05-29-2021, 08:25 PM
The plot is ok,the writing could be much better. You are giving us Jeff's experiences very bluntly. Try to add suspense and tension in the bad parts of his experience by hiding from the reader what is happening for a little and just giving details, before the thing is revealed. Also use lots of detail to provide the reader a visceral and interactive experience. The way this is written is akin to a children's book, needs work.
Try something like this, to start perhaps:
Jeff used to count the days, he had been counting them for a long time. A few months ago, though, he had lost count. This had kept his hope up in the dark encampment. A few days after, he had also lost count of the people who could work no longer. Jeff knew that his time would soon come, and he would meet the same fate as the thousands of his friends, family, enemies, and people he had never even seen before. After so many days in the cells, and doing the forced labour for 10 hours a day, he had begun to lose hope that there would ever be an escape. The camp has been getting darker ever since he had arrived; now, his only light was coming from his ever closer death.
Try something like this, to start perhaps:
Jeff used to count the days, he had been counting them for a long time. A few months ago, though, he had lost count. This had kept his hope up in the dark encampment. A few days after, he had also lost count of the people who could work no longer. Jeff knew that his time would soon come, and he would meet the same fate as the thousands of his friends, family, enemies, and people he had never even seen before. After so many days in the cells, and doing the forced labour for 10 hours a day, he had begun to lose hope that there would ever be an escape. The camp has been getting darker ever since he had arrived; now, his only light was coming from his ever closer death.