08-17-2021, 07:20 PM
Just a few sentences in and the grammar is a little iffy. Don't start a sentence with "and". You could rewrite the first sentence to sound better as "In the book, The Boy Who Harnessed the Wind by William Kamkwamba and Bryan Mealer, the importance of education is a prominent theme."
"Life dealt William a terrible hand in life" did you even read that after you typed it? Just say "Life dealt William a terrible hand".
"hope for his future" ISN"T THAT CALLED OPTIMISM!!!!?????
"his mother said" no. "his mother STATED" yes. "You can see that this is something she was worried about" NEVER use the word "you" in an essay, it is informal and makes you sound like you're incompetent when it comes to the construction of an informational piece, which is also intended to appear as if the author were an esteemed college professor whom the likes of would most likely spend a great deal of time perched upon a chair, scouring thesaurus.com for 1,000,000 IQ words.
"Hope for the future is talking about hope of getting out of this life he has" no that sentence sucks i read it 4 times and still don';t know what it means. maybe you could say "His hope for the future is illustrated by his optimism for the future of his life, that it will change for the better."" idk sounds kinda smart but still not that good.
"and to let people not have to worry about what their next 24 hours will look like," instead say "and to let people be free from the constant state of worry that plagues them, ever uncertain as to whether or not they will hang in there for another day."
"Yes, he can get a job which can help make money," that sounds so 2nd grade "yes, his education allows him employment and steady income" that's a lil bedder
"It’s a closed minded way to think." oooh i got a good one ur teacher will like this "However, this is a very myopic view."
"The book stresses on education giving someone a better life" that too, like many many things in this essay, sounds bad. instead say "The book stresses the importance of education as a means of securing a spot in a good life."
"Education was difficult to access." I BET FOR YOU IT WAS JUDGING BY THIS ESSAY "Quality education was and remains hard to come by in Africa."
"William could talk and vent to his friends about his struggles without seeming whiny" you know you're not supposed to write an essay like it's online sequencer chat right? "This means that William could share his struggles with his friends without coming off as attention-seeking."
"Going back to the theme of this story," say returning instead of going
"Education is something that can be any form of learning or teaching." say "Education occupies many forms of learning, many of which having little to do with school."
You could then say something after the quote about how his education not only gives him know-how, but instills trust in others that he knows what he is doing.
"For the second quote," no no no how do u not know how to start a sentence like really??? "Another example that shows this is..."
"Solving and/or learning problems..." good sentence ruined by and/or. Why would you learn a problem? just say solving problems
"They are solved when you put your mind to it and learn about what you can do." don't say you "They can be solved when one puts their mind to it and unlocks the problem with the key of education.
This essay wasn't so bad but the grammar needs improvement. reading this essay felt like almost tripping on my ankle over and over, as i wave my arms around trying to keep balance.
Good luck I hope you get a good grade on the essay!
-Cool172, got 95 and 78 on most recent essays in 9th grade.
"Life dealt William a terrible hand in life" did you even read that after you typed it? Just say "Life dealt William a terrible hand".
"hope for his future" ISN"T THAT CALLED OPTIMISM!!!!?????
"his mother said" no. "his mother STATED" yes. "You can see that this is something she was worried about" NEVER use the word "you" in an essay, it is informal and makes you sound like you're incompetent when it comes to the construction of an informational piece, which is also intended to appear as if the author were an esteemed college professor whom the likes of would most likely spend a great deal of time perched upon a chair, scouring thesaurus.com for 1,000,000 IQ words.
"Hope for the future is talking about hope of getting out of this life he has" no that sentence sucks i read it 4 times and still don';t know what it means. maybe you could say "His hope for the future is illustrated by his optimism for the future of his life, that it will change for the better."" idk sounds kinda smart but still not that good.
"and to let people not have to worry about what their next 24 hours will look like," instead say "and to let people be free from the constant state of worry that plagues them, ever uncertain as to whether or not they will hang in there for another day."
"Yes, he can get a job which can help make money," that sounds so 2nd grade "yes, his education allows him employment and steady income" that's a lil bedder
"It’s a closed minded way to think." oooh i got a good one ur teacher will like this "However, this is a very myopic view."
"The book stresses on education giving someone a better life" that too, like many many things in this essay, sounds bad. instead say "The book stresses the importance of education as a means of securing a spot in a good life."
"Education was difficult to access." I BET FOR YOU IT WAS JUDGING BY THIS ESSAY "Quality education was and remains hard to come by in Africa."
"William could talk and vent to his friends about his struggles without seeming whiny" you know you're not supposed to write an essay like it's online sequencer chat right? "This means that William could share his struggles with his friends without coming off as attention-seeking."
"Going back to the theme of this story," say returning instead of going
"Education is something that can be any form of learning or teaching." say "Education occupies many forms of learning, many of which having little to do with school."
You could then say something after the quote about how his education not only gives him know-how, but instills trust in others that he knows what he is doing.
"For the second quote," no no no how do u not know how to start a sentence like really??? "Another example that shows this is..."
"Solving and/or learning problems..." good sentence ruined by and/or. Why would you learn a problem? just say solving problems
"They are solved when you put your mind to it and learn about what you can do." don't say you "They can be solved when one puts their mind to it and unlocks the problem with the key of education.
This essay wasn't so bad but the grammar needs improvement. reading this essay felt like almost tripping on my ankle over and over, as i wave my arms around trying to keep balance.
Good luck I hope you get a good grade on the essay!
-Cool172, got 95 and 78 on most recent essays in 9th grade.